Once in a while people lose there way, get in a rut, break down, and sometimes these people never get out of this. This brings me to the last two years or so of my life. I did have some fun and met some amazing people but for the most part I was completely lost, scared, hurt, and terrified of failing. My only fear in life is failing and becoming a dissapointment to my daughter. I squeaked by working jobs that still couldn't pay the bills. Yes everyone I was on welfare, and i'm not ashamed. I am a single mom that wroked full time and still just couldn't do it. And on top of the money issues i went through some other really hard lessons i will say in my life that made me a very angry mean person for a long time. I didn't ever feel like myself, i always had my gaurd up, even with my family. I pushed people away out of fear of having my heart broke again. Things were really bad, and than they just continued to get worse. Than I finally decided to make my own life and destiny. I had spent my life trying to please others and do what was expected. But why...I was miserable...I had to get out. So things started falling into place, i got my house rented started applying for schools. This became a process i will never forget, that had me so stressed i probably could of snapped like a twig. I told mom one night this was it, that if this didn't work out for me....that I would just lose it....it would of not been a good thing...that i would probably drink my life away and hated myself and been miserable. I seen mom's face when I told her this, and she knew i was serious and knew what all I had been through at this point. She looked scared....and I was terrified. And I will never forget her exact words...Kim, I promise this will work, dad and I won't let you fail...and we will make sure you make it to school.
The day I found out for sure I was going, I was at mom and dads alone crying and running around screaming, I was so happy and excited, and i'm not going to lie a little scared. I couldn't believe it, i didn't believe it really. Later that week mom also announced her and dad were throwing a party for me, a going away party the weekend before i was flying out. Things in the next few weeks fly by. Packing all my stuff away, spending time with Jazz, my lil angel. Pretty soon it was party night, my two oldest sisters came home everyone i knew was there, to support me. It was unreal how many people cared and were supportive, cause believe me i had alot of haters that were mean and told me i was an idiot. The course of the night was something magical, i made amends with my sister after about 8 years of hurt and hate. there were many tears shed out of happiness. Cheers that made everyone cry, and a love in that room that no one could describe. I have always had faith and stuck by it, exspecially i will never forget when this school stuff was not going well crying in bed praying over and over to god begging him that no matter what his plans were for me that he would help me through it and to pull me out of this rut i was in....and that night i went to bed, said a prayer of thanks, and i know he is very present in my life. Exspecially that night, I could feel his presence all night and that i felt that whole night was a miracle.
Know i have always believed everything happens for a reason and i have always had faith and that god has plans for me. But this blew my mind. My faith was starting to widdle away after two years of bullshit and misery, i was on my last leg and it wasn't looking good. And in a few months my world was flipped upside down!
Now here i sit in the Hilton in downtown San Francisco living my dream. I NEVER EVER thought i would even leave Roseau much less move across the country. I'm still working on knowing a carrer path but i know thats just a bump in the road. I went from having the most ,excuse my language but, Fucked life to living a dream. Everyday I wake up I say thanks, and I soak up everything i can, and I appreciate everything. Not everyone gets this oppurtunity, but I will say, there is such a huge beautiful world out there, get out and see it! If you can dream it and want it bad enough, you can make it happen, just never give it up! Don't settle in life, life is what you make it, so make it something great and worth living!
Now this brings me to something I probably say alot but never enough. I am extremely fortunate to have this huge, overbearing, nosey, loud mouthed, amazing family. I would never have made it here without them on so many different levels. I would have never made it through all the hard shit i went through without them, there advice, and support. I would have never made it out here with out them. And most importantly I would have never been able to leave my daughter without knowing that she is completely taken care of. And I know she is. She has a great father, who no matter how mad he makes me, I thank god for everyday because I know it's not uncommon for fathers to not be involved. My parents take her and spoil her as often as possible, my sister Sara takes her and thats all Jazz talks about for a week. Her daycare is my cousins family and i know they take great care of her! Thank you all so much!!!
I have my mom and dad that are the most amazing parents in the world!!! They have taught me everything i know, they taught me to invest my money, to never give up and finish what u started, to never live beyond your means, to pray and have faith, they taught me the importance of family, and mostly they taught me about love. Love is unconditional, You love your family, friends, but for awhile there I never thought I would love some one else. Mom was even a little concerned about my hatred for men. But always deep down I prayed I could love the way my parents love eachother. The way they appreciate and respect eachother. They have been through hell and back and they still made it through stronger than they were before. Neither of them can stand to be away from eachother for too long. they do everything together because they want to. Loving eachother for them is not a chore for them, it's amazing to watch and see it everday. I just want to say mom dad, never stop being puicky cute even if i complain. your the most amazing people i know and a huge inspiration to me! I love you both so much! I'm not currently in love but i'm open to letting it happen. I defienatly see the difference in me to. My boyfriend actually cares about me and is ready to settle down, he's nothing like the guys i dated before, and i for the first time have all my gaurds down. I finally found myself out here and i love who i am, there is no more reason to be gaurded.
Now for my sisters, i also wouldn't be here without you guys.
Becky your whole life has been inspirational to me. You have always followed your dreams and never let anything hold you back. Your one of the bravest people I know. And you never give up. And you see this in everything you do. Going to Delaware even when you had James and college, and you have been a life saver with all the help u have gave me!
Karen your the most ambitious women i know. You don't ever settle for anything and I know your going to change the world one day. If it takes one homeless girl at a time or a community at a time. You have a great family that you keep in line, you help run a dairy farm, go to school full time, worked part time, and still had time to clean and make a home cooked meal, and this is excluding your little projects on the side. Watching you makes me believe I can do anything!
Sara you toughest person i know. We might not have got along all the time. But no matter what I could call you and you would have wooped whoevers ass made me upset. You were like an older protective brother almost. You have been through alot but you always seemed like it never phased you. You are always the first one there when i needed something. You told me the truth wether i wanted to hear it or not. You always stick by what you do and say, you never second guess yourself. You have taught me to stand up for myself and to do what i believe is right no matter what happens.
Josh my brother, the kindest guy I know. Even though I didn't grow up with him around much. I have a special place for him just like everyone else. He would take his shirt off his back for anyone. Over the last few years I spend more and more time with him, and it makes me happy he wants us to be part of his life. I like to think I get my sweet side from josh. Even though it hasn't been present very often the last few years. I do have a very sweet side and I love taking care of and helping people like my brother.
Everyday I wake up i remember why i'm here and how fortunate I am to be here. My promise to myself was to find myself while i was here. To find who and what i wanted to be. What do I want to do with my life?! I'm half way there, i know who i am and partially what i want. I know i want a family life and like 6 kids. Seriously though i want a big family. I just need to figure out a career. But this doesn't happen overnight, so like mom always says one day at a time Kim. :) So here I am living one day at a time with grace in my heart and flowers in my hair. (the song sara sent me and i got my tattoo from is posted right b4 this blog) P.S. Sara thank you for sending that song to me that day. That couldn't of fit any better right now. This tattoo is not only about being here chasing my dreams its also about mending our relationship and to never lose sight of how important that is to me. I have wasted to many years hating and fighting with you. When i should have been loving and learning from you.
I wanna close this blog with my favorite prayer mom always told me when times were ruff, so god knows I have this one memorized haha.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
