Now for the hardest part, I left my daughter Jasmine 4 years old, to be here and to chase my dreams. Some dissagree with my choice to be here and think this makes me a bad parent. For every one this is why im here, I am here to make a life for my daughter and I, to give her more oppurtunity than I had growing up. Don't get me wrong my parents supported anything i wanted in life but it was very difficult sometimes. I am here so that when is all said and done I can show my daughter that dreams do come true and hopefully inspire her to dream big. I also want to afford to do things for her and move her away from where i grew up. This is so beyond words to describe how hard it is to leave your child to pursue something. It kills me to hear her on the phone "mommy I miss you (crying)". She's to young to understand why im not there but in the long run I pray all this pays off and that she knows why I did all this. I am here for her, to provide better for her, so that she has a happy mother, so that hopefully i can inspire her to be somebody amazing and that anything is possible if you want it bad enough. Because to be a dissapointment to my daughter is my only fear in life...im not scared to be alone...im not scared to move....im not scared to die....im scared of not being the best parent I can be. I know after Josh and I split up that i went through a party phase and i could use every excuse in the book ( I had to grow up fast, I wanted to act my age, blah blah blah) and thats all they are is excuses. I was miserable torn apart heartbroken and very confused about life in general, and the person who suffered for this was Jasmine, and its not fair and I cant take it back or fix it. But what I can do is try to change it and improve it. So here i am...and still second guessing myself. As a parent I dont think your ever sure your doing the right thing but as long as your trying your hardest and doing your best than i pray my daughter knows im doin everything i can for her. So here i sit scared and unsure, so im going to do what my mom always tells me, im going to say a prayer and keep my self focused on whats important. Jasmine, I hope one day you can read this and know that your everything to me, my whole world. No man, no friend, no one will ever mean as much to me as you do. You have been the most spectacular miracle I watch everyday. You have been an inspiration to me since you were born and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. You keep me motivated when im ready to give up, I love you and mommy will be home soon sweatheart!
Kim, you have ways been that person who has not been afraid to be yourself.(much like your sisters.) I am proud of that independence. Fashion doesn't mean conforming to what e everyone else thinks is right, it's being true to yourself. Jasmine is a much loved little girl, and she will know how much her momma loves her. Pray, stay strong and know that you are loved also. Mom
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful, Kim, and every time I read your blog I think about what a strong and smart woman you are. Jasmine is a very lucky girl to have such a great mommy, and I think that when you are done with your degree and she is older and you can show her this stuff, she will tell you that she is glad that you did it.
ReplyDeleteI love you, sister, and I think you are fabulous. And I agree with Mom; fashion doesn't mean conforming, and most of those other kids are probably dressing to hide how scared out of their minds they are. They probably envy how confident you are.
Be confident, and you can still be a good mom, even though you are not living in Roseau 100% of the time. Quality communications, setting expectations and not disappointing Jazz will be important. You will get flack. Just always do the best you can.
ReplyDeleteChildren do grow up fast, though. When you make a decision like this, it doesn't come without heartache. Imagine yourself 1, 3, 5 and 10 years from now: how do you want your life as a parent to be? There is no simple or magic answer. Just do the best you can.
Long distance moms can still tell stories, write letters and make time special when they visit. [Watch out for the "overcompensating guilt complex" though...for example, buying stuff to make up for not being there, etc.).
Read Robert Frost's poem: "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both..."
Thanks for the tears this morning, I appreciate that... :~) I have a slight understanding of how you feel with Lars being gone, but of course it's not quite as extreme. It is difficult and second guessing yourself is normal. As long as you remember that you made the decision with the best interest of your child, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You are an amazing woman who is making dreams come true. Many people are too scared to even think about doing such a thing.
ReplyDeleteKeep your chin up, be proud and know that you have our support and love!